Though the Dark May Seem Great....Light Always Shines Brighter

 As I hope my title reflects, though these past months have been marred with darkness and despair, there has been Light shining through and I think I have finally reached a point where I feel I can share some thoughts and impressions I had the last week of my husband's life. (We'll see, I am already starting to fall apart a little).

*This will probably be very disjointed and scattered, but it is more for ME anyway*  A step toward my Healing.

Anyway, the Saturday before Eric passed, I believe it was January 25th, Eric and I were talking on the phone about life and what we hoped the future would eventually hold and bring for us. As we were talking I remember receiving the distinct impression that this would be the last time I would talk to him. I dismissed it, but shortly after we hung up, I received that same impression much stronger.  I went to my knees in prayer, and got that same sorrowful confirmation that I had just gotten twice before. That that would indeed be the last conversation that Eric and I would share in this life.  

I took Daniel up to Intermountain on Monday to give Eric a card since it was his birthday. He wasn't feeling or doing well, so unfortunately Daniel and I didn't stay long (Daniel is far too curious), but I remember being shocked because he was looking worse than when I had last seen him.   I remember getting off work at 12 Wednesday January 29th and then receiving a text shortly after that from my mother-in-law, that Eric had gotten worse and that he was back in the ICU.   I woke my mom up, and told her I was going to the hospital.  How I got there in one piece, I still don't know, I don't remember driving there, I remember telling my mom I was going and then joining my mother-in-law in the waiting room of the ICU. 

As the day progressed, Eric wasn't getting better. He was on a number of different medications and they were doing a number of different tests. In all that, I remember my brother coming up to the hospital and I remember him giving me a hug. He went and insisted I go eat with him, and then I remember having to make the phone call into my work to tell them I wasn't coming in that day as Eric probably wasn't going to make it through the day. My brother left later on so my Mom could come up.

Eric's family began coming up. I remember my sister-in-law joining me and my mother-in-law in Eric's room as well as Eric's father and then a variety of doctors began coming and going from Eric's bedside. I remember my sister coming, (she works at IMC) and I will forever remember the doctor coming in and doing a final check of Eric and essentially telling us that there was little more that they could do.  I remember sitting by Eric's side as Eric's family and mine came through to say their good-byes to him. And I remember gathering with Eric's parents, sister and brother in law, and my mom around Eric's bedside as he passed away.  I distinctly remember being vetoed when I told my family I could drive myself home, I believe my brother took my car and I went with my mom (it was probably a good thing as I had been up for some 24+ hours at that point).

The rest of that week is pretty much a blur to me, as we made arrangements and got our apartment packed up and cleaned out. And laid Eric to rest.  I am truly grateful for the knowledge that his life didn't end forever! And that Daniel and I will eventually be reunited with him again!   I am also very grateful for the blessings that have come, some small and too numerous to count and some big ones (like Eric being approved for disability medicaid which takes care of the majority of his massive hospital bills!!)

And I am truly grateful for my son!  He keeps me going and gives me strength to keep going when I have felt that I can't anymore.

I also love this quote from President Hinckley that I found a while ago that has helped me a lot the past couple months when I have felt overwhelmed and wondered if I will ever feel peace and happy again.

At times there appears to be no light at the tunnel’s end—no dawn to break the night’s darkness. We feel surrounded by the pain of broken hearts, the disappointment of shattered dreams, and the despair of vanished hopes… We feel abandoned, heartbroken, alone. To all who so despair, may I offer the assurance of the Psalmist’s words: ‘Weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning’

Though the night may indeed seem dark and long, night does end and Light will break through!!